Kill Myself
by piper maru duchovny
Summary: And I thank God, the devil in me died, I stand before you now a man changed and alive. -Tim McGraw SMACKED pre-series post-claire dying


**Kill Myself**

**Summary: And I thank God, the devil in me died, I stand before you now a man changed and alive -Tim McGraw**

**A/N: This is like my 2nd favorite Tim McGraw song (And Tim McGraw is my favorite singer, ever). It came on my iTunes and I spazzed out and started coming up with this whole plot that I ran past mah Jenna ;) and Rachel. **

**Dedication: Rachel & Jenna - I love you two. **

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I stake no claims to anything more then the pack of gum and license in my purse. -sigh-**

It had started on September 12, 2001. A path of self-destruction, like a damage path of a tornado, a mile wide taking out everyone he ever cared about. He shoved everyone away and worked himself into the ground. He'd go into work at nine a.m. one day and not go home until the sun was up the next -and only then because one of his co-workers was dragging him out by the sleeve. He hated his apartment; her scent hung on every curtain and sheet -it played tricks on his mind, he'd wake up and smell her, he'd open his eyes and be alone.

McCanna Taylor shoved everyone away. For thirteen whole months, he holed himself away in his apartment and his office. When he wasn't working, he was drinking or sleeping. He never went to work drunk, but he sure as hell went to work hungover. The whiskey cushioned the memory, made his brain fuzzy and when he woke up, it confused him and he could believe for a few moments that Claire was just in the other room. Until he realized,

Claire would always be in the other room.

Some how, he'd managed to hold onto one friendship, Stella Bonasera's. She still came over on Saturday nights -just like she had for seven years prior for weekly dinners. Except now she came to check up on him; she picked up the living room when she thought he wasn't looking and brought him groceries. He never saw pity in her eyes and for that he was grateful. He saw something else though. Friendship? Yes. Companionship? Sure. Love? ....Maybe.

Mac Taylor sat in his old chair; his sleeves were undone and shirt tails were untucked, a bottle of Jack hung out of one hand and his barefeet rested on his coffee table. Tonight, he'd done a damn good job of messing things up. He might of just ruined the last friendship he'd managed to hang on to.

_"You're not my wife. Quit acting like it and get out!" _

He cringed at his foolish words and took another swig of the liquor and cringed. She'd never forgive him, that's for sure. The way his cheek stung -inspite of his good friend Jack, she definitely wasn't going to let this one go easily.

Mac sighed, he couldn't lose her. Stella Bonasera saved him; everytime his world came crashing down -she picked him up, when thoughts of Claire overwhelmed him -she's the one who pulled him back together. And now he'd done it, he'd shoved her away and he had no idea how to get her back.

_"Who are you anymore, Mac? Do you even know yourself?"_

Her piercing green eyes had found his ice cold blue ones and sent a shock straight through to his soul when she said that. She turned on her heel, stormed out of his apartment and slammed the door behind her.

Mac managed to stumble his way from the easy chair to the bathroom and flip on the light. He cringed when he saw himself in the mirror. Stubble overgrown on his face, bags under his eyes and what looked like mold growing on his shirt, but that was just for starters.

The shine that was once in his eyes had dulled. His smiles had been replaced with deep frown line and to be honest, it was like looking at a stranger. A stranger who was inhabiting his body. If he could take his gun and shoot him, he'd put the poor bloke out of his misery.

"Tomorrow, they'll know what I've done here tonight." He whispered.

It began with a shave and then a shower. A clean set of clothes. He took all his dirty laundry that had been collected in his apartment and took it to the communal laundry room. He methodically divided up his coloreds and whites, putting the quarters and machines. Grabbing the baskets -he'd be back in a half-hour.

He went to his apartment and stripped the sheets off his bed. He got fresh ones from the linen closet and made the bed -Marine style. When that was done, he changed the curtains and dusted the room. He sighed, looking at Claire's dresser, no time like the present. He grabbed a box, pulling out each item of clothing, he couldn't stop and look at it -if he did, he'd never get rid of it. He put them all in a box and scribbled on it 'donate'.

Her little knick-knacks, her pictures, old hats, photoalbums, everything was put into boxes. They were marked donate or to be sent to her family or friends. He folded the laundry and put it away, dusted every surface and washed down all the tables. He ran the vaccum and opened the windows. He could finally breathe.

Looking at the picture of their wedding day, he took a cleansing breath and mustered all the courage he could, opening the closet they had shared. It was for fancy clothes -stuff they only pulled out now and then. Her wedding dress hung in a plastic bag and he felt his heart stop. He had to get rid of it, he'd keep the important things. Their wedding pictures and a few special others and her wedding band and engagement ring. The material stuff didn't matter, it wouldn't bring her back -no matter how much he wanted it too.

On the floor was a plastic beach ball, he'd gotten it for two bucks at the corner store. They'd went to the beach for the weekend a few summers ago. Claire had blown it up and kept hitting it at his head at stop lights on the way down there and as much as it bugged him, he never complained because it made her laugh. Mac slid down against the wall and cried.

Holding the beach ball in his hands, his fingers traced over the plug and tried to bring himself to pull it. He couldn't. It was her air, the breath she had breathed and he couldn't let it go. Maybe someday, but not now.

Maybe someday Stella could help him open it and let Claire's breath out into the wind.

--

For the first time in thirteen months, he'd gotten a good nights sleep and a healthy meal. He felt alert and attentive. He walked to work and the cool October breeze felt life affirming -proving that he'd done the right thing. That the devil in him had finally died.

Mac walked into the crime lab and smiled when he heard Stella and Danny bickering. He needed to apologize, he couldn't let her stay mad at him for long. He tucked into the lay out room and watched them for awhile. Everytime Danny reached for a certain piece of evidence, Stella would smack Danny's hand away without even looking up from the case file.

"Ahmm." Mac cleared his throat.

Danny and Stella turned to face him, "Hey Mac."

"Danny, can I have a minute with Stella." Mac asked, his hands tucked into his pocket.

"Sure." Danny said and quickly grabbed the evidence from Stella and ran from the room. Stella sighed and looked at him.

"I'm sorry." He said simply, walking over and sitting on the vacant stool beside her, "I don't have an excuse for how I acted. It was uncalled for and I'm sorry."

"Well..." Stella stared at her feet, swiveling from side to side, "I didn't have to smack you... that hard."

"I needed it." Mac reassured her, "I did something last night."

"Oh?" Stella raised an eyebrow.

"I killed myself." Mac explained and Stella looked at him -confusion gracing her face, "I killed that guy in the mirror I didn't recognize. You were right Stell, I didn't even recognize myself. I cleaned the apartment... Got rid of the vast majority of Claire's things. Cleaned. Got rid of the black mold inhabiting my cripser drawer."

"Mac..." Stella said softly, "Are you sure you wanted to get rid of her stuff?"

"Her stuff isn't gonna bring her back to me." Mac nodded his head.

"Okay." Stella reached out and took his hand.

"There are a few items, I couldn't, not yet. I may need your help with that later." Mac explained.

"No problem." Stella smiled, leaning over and hugging him, "It's good to have you back, Partner."

"It's good to be back."

**A/N: Alright, I hope you like it. Check out that song, it's uber pretty. Uhm. It's 4:07 am so I apologize for typos. And wow, it's been awhile since I've written SMACK look for an update on Night & Day soon and another funny one shot comin' your way :)**


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